The Circle
by goolcaptain
Summary: After the final battle Dawn finds the letter Amanda left for her, telling her how she really felt.


Buffy shifted a little in her sleep, nestling on Dawn's shoulder. Dawn looked around her at the various Scoobies, half sitting, half lying around the hospital waiting room. She felt as drained as any of them. Willow sat opposite her, Xander and Kennedy slumped against her on each side. Giles, Chao Anh, Andrew and the various others were scattered around the seats. Violet was actually lying on some cushions beneath the bench. Two doctors were discussing with wonder how fast Rhona was healing, even though she was still on the critical list. Dawn smiled imagining what they would think of the wound on Buffy's side which had already disappeared. Slayer healing was wonderful stuff but Buffy was still as exhausted as the rest. Only Faith was still on her feet, pacing anxiously outside the room where Principal Wood was being treated. It looked like he would pull through but she was still anxious.  
Dawn shifted again, craning her neck so she could see the TV mounted in the corner, the news still filled with images of the collapse of Sunnydale. She hoped they'd show the clip of the military rescue team again, certain that it was Riley's friend Graham she had spotted before. It was world news, even reaching her father in Spain. Part of her looked forward immensely to seeing him again, part of her wondered what they would say to each other. Well, he cared enough to fly over and see they were ok, that was a start. They would take things from there.  
There was something in her back pocket. Something uncomfortable. She reached around slowly, taking pains not to wake Buffy up. It was a letter. It wasn't hers, someone must have placed it there without her realising it. She opened it up.

My dear Dawn,  
If you're reading this then we won but I am dead. Wow! Never thought I'd write that. Or maybe I'm still alive and wasn't able to get this back from you in time. If I am alive, don't read on, come and give it back to me and I'll tell you to to face.  
Still reading? Then I am dead. Well, I'm glad we won. I found the world a cruel place sometimes but I found it beautiful in places too. And of all those beautiful things I found you were the most lovely.  
Hey I always knew I was, well, different. Always felt the freak, the outsider, that I could be alone in a crowded room. When I became a Potential Slayer it was wonderful for me because I was finally with other freaks, other girls who were different, I had a sisterhood after all. But then I realised it wasn't just that.  
I love you. It took me so long to admit it to myself, to come to terms with what I was, to be ok with it, to be ok with myself. Now if you're reading this it means we can never be together, even if you wanted me as well, at least not in this world. But I thought it was important you knew how I feel about you, how I felt about you.  
I love you.  
The time we spent together last night, when I was sleepless with fear and you held me in your arms to comfort me, it was the most special time of my life, it meant more to me than anything. I don't know what it meant to you but I never felt so wanted, so cherished than I did at that moment. I felt as though I finally belonged, I felt as though I was born and wished to die in your grasp (hey, maybe I did?)  
What am I trying to say? I don't know. I'm just trying to put down in words what I can never now say to you in person, that we can never have the life together that I imagined for us. But those precious moments we spent together, they were enough for me, they will last me for eternity if that's what's called for.  
So live your life my sweet Dawnie, marry and have kids and laugh and play and do all those things I will never now do. And don't feel sorry for me, don't cry for me, for knowing that you live your life through my sacrifice makes me happier than you could ever imagine.  
Tell my parents I did my best, as I know they did for me, no matter how much we fought. Tell my brothers I love them and to remember their sister when they're naming their kids. If what Buffy says is true then I'm enjoying my big dessert at the end of the meal (hopefully they won't take into account me cheating on my maths test but I figure fighting the ultimate evil will counter that). If I see your mom I'll say hello for you (providing we go to the same place, I'm a Lutheran) and tell her how much you miss her. And I'll say hello to Chloe and Molly and Dianne and everyone for you.  
And who knows? Maybe one day we'll all see each other again, when you're an old lady and decide to give up on life support. And then we can tell each other how we truly feel. Somehow I think it's all going to be ok.  
Until then know that us being together was the most miraculous thing that ever happened to me. And that you alone were my one earthly love.  
Yours always  
Amanda

Dawn read it again. Then she called to Faith softly.  
"Faith, can I borrow your lighter?"  
Faith plumped herself down beside her. "I'm not normally one for the rules, Dawnie but this place is full of oxygen, you really can't smoke"  
Dawn showed her the letter. She was half way through it before she started crying. She was sobbing by the end.  
"Oh God, Dawnie, they're dead, they're all dead, so many of the girls, they're all gone. Amanda's gone, dear sweet Amanda, she was so shy..."  
Dawn never thought she would see Faith cry. She took her head and rested it on her shoulder, nuzzling her face to hers. "If things had worked out differently I could have been her sister" she mused.  
"They're not all dead, Faith, we saved some, we saved enough" she held out her hand and Faith wordlessly placed her lighter in it.  
Dawn took Amanda's letter and kissed it hard, making sure she left plenty of lipstick on it. She set it alight and watched it burn, turning to an incredulous Faith.  
"It was the only way I could think of to get it to her" she explained simply.  
Faith closed her eyes and dosed off. Dawn stayed awake a little longer, Buffy and Faith lying against her on either side, a Slayer resting on each shoulder. Then she too closed her eyes.  
As the sleep came her nostrils were filled with the scent of ashes mixed with the sweet aroma of her kiss.


End file.
